Introspective

I've been very introspective lately.  I say lately, like I'm not this way most of the time, which is not true.  I am always introspective, always empathetic, sometimes too empathetic to other people's feelings. When I hear someone's views about someone else or a situation and I can't stop myself from thinking that so much wasted emotion has been put into the negative.  It just doesn't make sense to me.  I just don't understand it.  I don't have to understand it, but I don't have to accept it either.  People can have their views and their feelings and it's just that "theirs"  they own it.  I've come to realize that when my views on a situation differ from someone else's views I tend to feel disconnected from them.  I tend to feel a little less open with them. That's the way I feel.  I can own that, but I'm feeling that a lot lately and I don't like it.  It makes me feel uncomfortable and uneasy.  I don't like that either!  I know you can't please everybody all of the time, but my urge to do so consumes me.  It's is absolutely draining.  I would rather be uncomfortable than make someone else uncomfortable.  I would rather bite my tongue then hurt someone with words that can never be unspoken.

Nagging fear

I'm having the experience of things going so good that you can't help but think that something is going to come apart.  Why is this? I'm not saying that I lack faith in my current situation, because I don't, I just keep getting these fleeting thoughts that things just can't continue to go this smoothly.  I am extremely happy with my relationship, never been happier, and I say this with my whole heart.  In a few weeks we will have been together six month.  Not one red flag yet, and hopefully I never see one.  I am struggling with myself not to "think" too much about things, like weather or not that look on his face was disappointment or regret with me.  Can't stop feeling uneasy when he does things for me.  I am just so used to having things thrown in my face whenever someone does something nice for me.  I honestly feel that he would not do that to me, but still these thoughts get in my head from time to time.

dream from an old journal of mine. dated 2003

There was snow on the ground and brandy and Emily had ran outside.  It was unusually warm outside.  Brandy jumped up and swing out into the yard over the porch rail.  Emily ran out into then yard.  I followed them yelling born them to get back into the house.  They looked at me like I was crazy.  Then I looked across the parking lot and saw all these people and kids.  They were playing like it was a summer day.  Then our dog Jupiter ran out into the yard.  He wouldn't come back.  He just kept looking at me.  I was so upset.  I had to go out after him in my robe.  I was so upset.

dream from an old journal of mine. dated 2003

I was going on a trip with my mother, there were other people with us.  I felt like they were friends possibly family members, but weren't sure.  Next thing I know I am in an arcade.  I was lounging back in a lazy boy chair just watching people.  This guy came over to me, he was sort of foreign looking.  He sad down next to me.  I felt like incident want him near me.  He kept hitting in me, I didn't like it but I was afraid to make a scene, so I tried to be nice to him.  I told him to just stop and try to act normal.  Next thing I know my mother is telling me that its time to go.  I was trying to leave and that guy wouldn't let go of me.  Then he just stood up and started singing.  I could not understand the words, even though it was English.  As he sang the whole arcade stopped and starred at him.  He finally stopped singing, and I thought he had a nice voice.  I told him he sang nice and that he should say by to me.

Then I found myself at a big huge lake.  The water was so clear and deep.  I could see so far and all The way to the bottom.  There were trees and people walking and little crabs running around on the bottom.  The group of people I was with had quickly ran into the water and were all most to the other side.  I was still standing in the edge deciding weather to go in.  I couldn't leave my glasses on the shore so I just left.  I ran , I ran so fast all the way back to my mothers house.  It was a trailer that we used to live in.  My mother was living there with my aunt Rosalie.  They were both in the bathroom getting ready to go to that lake.  I yelled t my mother "are you here, are you here".  She answered me by flicking the bathroom light on and off.  Then she came out and was telling me that she was coming but she had to clean up because people were coming to look at the house.  Then Marlene was with me, standing next to me just watching and listening.  My mother starts telling me that while in was gone marlenes father came in her house and knocked stuff over.  I couldn't understand why he would do that.  He knocked over a red stack of encyclopedias and busted and cracked up her CD's. I asked Marlene if she sees what her father has done and she said yes.  Then in the middle of this conversation I looked to my left and in saw a fish tank that my mother had.  It was full of these huge fish and huge frogs.  They were swimming back and forth and all around.  I was amazed at how they moved and couldn't understand why they were so big and crowded in there.

dream from old an old journal of mine. dated 2003

Was cleaning a house with some people from work.  I couldn't make out their faces though.  We were done cleaning but in remembered there was a bathroom in the basement that I forgot to have cleaned.  We were all outside and had to go back into do this bathroom.  We were running out of time and I wasn't liking it at all.  We had to go through a dark murky pool to get to the door and I was left behind.  I didn't want to go into that water.  I had no choice so I went into the water and as I was swimming across I could see gross slimey snake like creatures underneath me.  I swam through as fast as I could and everyone was looking at me like they were pissed off at me for taking too long.

wanting to write

The other day my boyfriend mentioned that he wants to write a book.  That he's been thinking about it for years.  He told me the basic line of it.  I was so interested.  More so that he had a desire to write.  That is what interested me the most.  I know he's different.  He's thoughtful and considerate and has empathy. These things are part of what makes a good writer.  I have thought for years about writing some kind of book.  I've tossed around ideas for years.  A memoir, science fiction or possibly erotica.  I am going to put more serious thought into this.

pool and house

just a few fragments:
 Standing beside the pool pouring shock in and stirring around with the pool brush.  water was brown and cloudy.  There were people in the yard.  i felt like they were waiting on me to finish.

another house dream, furniture, old dark house.  i was searching around looking for something.

dirty stream, saving and fixing things

Woke up to use the bathroom and sold have jotted some notes down but was too tired so I went back to bed, but here goes.  Was with my boyfriend and my youngest daughter, except she was much younger than she is now.  I would guess she was around 8 or 9.  We were walking and it was sunny and warm.  We came upon a man working a garden.  He had big clumps of flowers dug up and turned upside down.  He was sprinkling the dirt and roots with colored powder.  He said that it will make them turn beautiful colors and be great for decorating.  So we stood there and watched as he sprinkled and flipped them over replanting the clumps of flowers and just like he said the flowers turned beautiful colors.  He looked to his right and threw some weeds into a stream and said to us that he knows he shouldn't be throwing weeds in the stream because it will back up an cause problems downstream, but he shrugged his shoulders and kept doing it.  We looked at each other and without speaking we agreed that we should get in the stream and investigate.  The stream was rather wide and muddy.  We were in up to our waists and on my daughter up to her neck.  I was holding her hand and we were struggling to balance in the moving water when we saw a picnic table floating towards us.  I grabbed it and asked my boyfriend if he thought we could all sit at the table and have it float us downstream.  He said it was worth a try and held it for us to climb on.  I was amazed that it was floating and holding us.  He then climbed on and we all floated downstream.  We quickly came to an area where the water wasn't rushing as bad and decided to get out.  Realizing the all the weeds were clogging parts of the stream and made sort of a pool.  I climbed up the bank and help my daughter get out.  My boyfriend was working on clearing the weeds out when my daughter noticed a whole bunch of fish and she reached down grabbing one.  She wanted to save it.  He brought over a piece of netting and a bag to carry it in.  We walked over to where he was working a realized that he had saved a dog.  A brown dog medium in size, rather cute I thought, then the dog started to change and was starting to look like a baby bear.  He had him tied to a tree and he I felt he did that to protect us some how.  I was feeling really upset that the cute dog had turned into a bear cub and i wanted to leave.  We were cold and tired and it started to rain.  There were a couple houses close by so we walked over to see if there were some shelter we could use until the rain passed.  A man saw us and motioned for us to come over and said he could really use our help.  He showed my boyfriend how the water was flooding around the side of his barn and was getting inside.  As they stood there talking my daughter was hugging me just watching and I was thinking how clear the water was.  Then realized this man did not have any gutter system on the barn or his house.  My boyfriend agreed and they continued to talk about how to install a complete gutter system.  Then the alarm at off.

Bathroom dream uh-oh

This is from the night of Sept 30, 2013.
Not real clear memories on this one, and I believe there is a couple different dreams going on in this one, not sure.

Was in a car driving up a rocky hill, then I was climbing up a rocky muddy hill, worried about getting my new shoes dirty.

Was in a house telling a woman with two kids to pack enough things for at least a week and to hurry up.  They did not pack any clothes, I looked in their bags and threw my hands up in the air.  I left them standing there and went to find a bathroom.  The bathroom was small, extremely small, barely enough room to turn around in.  The tub and sink were pink and it smelled like baby powder.  I sat down to pee and then I woke up.  To my surprise I had actually wet the bed a little bit.
This has happened to me a few times as an adult and it is awful.  I can only imagine that I was sleeping to soundly to wake up.  Embarrassing to say the least.  

Flying like swimming

This was from the night of July 23, 2013
sketchy memory on this one because it wasn't written down right away.

There were 3 or 4 extremely huge tall pillars that were grass and moss covered, beautiful lush green color. No running, just a small little jump and I went almost straight up.  Moving my arms like I was swimming, both moving at the same time.  On the way up there were many people looking up at me and smiling and waving to me.  I felt proud, happy and free.  About 3/4 of the way up it started to become increasingly harder to go any higher.  my speed slowed but I reached the top.  I looked around and felt relief.

lunch with aunts

The lunch went wonderful.  mother wasn't feeling well so I went by myself.  I felt that she wouldn't wind up going, and told myself that regardless I would go.  I am so glad I did.  We talked for over two hours over lunch and it was wonderful.  I hadn't seen either one of them for about 20 years.  As I walked away from them to get in my car I was trying real hard to hold back tears.  So many emotions were stirred and I didn't want to leave.

So many changes

Have released so much negativity from my life and I can finally breath again.  I am actually starting to feel like myself again.  I had lost myself many years ago and I have been riding a horrible roller coaster of insanity for many years.  Dealing with a close family member that is a lot of the time very hard to deal with, and having my kindness mistaken for weakness by men that didn't even deserve one ounce of my time or precious energy.  I am free, thank God!  I have a wonderful man in my life and couldn't be happier with him.  I wasn't dreaming a whole lot for the longest time and when I did they were scant or not even worth writing about and to be honest sometimes I just didn't care about anything so what did it matter.  Last year one of my cousins took her life and today I learned that her father, my uncle has past away.  These deaths leave me feeling empty inside and longing for the way things used to be when I was younger.  I guess I am feeling sorry for myself but it is a shame when events tear a family apart and those people that are supposed to be family start taking sides and drift away from one another.  It is sad.  Plain and simple it is sad, and it makes me sad.  with the learning of each of these deaths it floods my mind with thoughts of my grandmother which I lost 21 years ago.  I long to feel a close family connection like I felt when I was younger.  I know that now my roll is grandmother, or as I am called Mimi.  I love being a grandmother, but do not feel that tight bond as a family unit that my grandmother had between all of us - my aunts, uncles, and cousins.  Life happens and everyone deals with it, but I feel some regret that I have not pulled everyone together like possibly I should have.  One would think that my mother would be the one to be the center of this unit now at least on our end of the world, but unfortunately that is not the way it is.   However two of my aunts that I was quit close to as a child are reaching out to me and my mother and to say the least - lunch this Saturday should be fairly interesting.

dream of a swimming pool fight

I arrived at a large indoor pool.  I was with someone, seemed like my significant other, however I didn’t see his face or have much interaction with him at all.  In fact he went to a far end of the pool and was lounging near some man made rocks, kind of just staring at people.  I went about half way down the side of the pool because there was a 3 foot ledge around the pool all around.  I lay down on my side and noticed that the pool was starting to get more crowded.  I was straining to see the bottom of the pool because it looked like there were small children or some type of animals at the bottom of the pool.  The water was partially clear, maybe a little cloudy.  I leaned my head over the side of the pool sticking my head under the water trying to get a better look at what or who was on the bottom.  They looked like small children, or monkeys or something.  They had brown hair all over their bodies and they were acting like they were stuck on the bottom somehow.  I raised my head out of the water as I was running out of air and looked around to see if anyone else had noticed them.  No one seemed to notice or care.  Even though I felt as if I had a responsibility to help them I felt like I shouldn't or maybe I was hallucinating or something.  I grabbed my cigarette pack and lit a cigarette and to my left there was a woman with glasses in the water about a foot from me, which seemed extremely close considering how big the pool was.  The next thing I know she takes my pack out of my hands and says “yeah I need a cigarette right now too, you don’t mind do you”  I grabbed my pack out of her hand and when I did my lit cigarette got wet and I immediately was very angry.  Angry at this stranger invading my space, and then helping herself to my cigarettes and on top of that the one I was smoking got ruined.  I took off my glasses and laid them on the side of the pool and jumped in the water and grabbed her glasses and tossed them on the side of the pool.  Kind of strange both of us at a pool with glasses on, and even stranger that I would care to remove hers, as if I cared if they got broken.  After removing her glasses and tossing them on the side of the pool I turn around and she has another pair on underneath of them, I grab them and toss them on the side and yet another pair was underneath of them.  I quickly decided what the hell and punched her in the face as I was yelling at her telling her how ignorant she was, and asking her who the hell she thinks she is.  I must have punched her in the jaw about four times before I woke up.

dream, related to yesterday

Yesterday a woman that I still think of as my sister asked me to make her flowers for her wedding, just like I had done for her years ago.  She used to be my sister in law.  I've known her since she was 12.  She'll always feel like family to me, even though we aren't as close as we used to be.  Which is one of the reasons  I was so touched and warmed when she asked me that.  This directly relates to the dream I had last night.

I dreamed that me, my daughter and my mother were all getting ready to go to her wedding.  I was not directly in the party, but was attending.  I must have tried on 4 or 5 different outfits.  finally deciding on one, and put my hose on, and then came the shoe dilema.  I tried on all of my shoes.  (Stange in this dream is that none of the dresses or shoes are anything that I actually own in my waking life)  As I was trying on different shoes I looked down the hall and saw that her fiance was there.  I had the feeling that we were all going to arrive at the church around the same time, or possibly it kinda felt like we were at the church already.  Anyway, i looked over at him I saw him sitting at a small table with her daughter.  He was looking at her so lovingly and she was talking to him about something.  He saw me staring at them and asked me what the hold up was, that we had to get going.  I apolgized and told him that I cannot decide on what shoes to wear.  He just stood there looking at the shoes rather strangly.  Then I woke up.

another vehichle & gas station dream

Dreamed that I was once again in a car, small car with a hatchback.  Urgently driving some place unknown.  I pulled into this small convenience store gas station.  Did not get gas this time, but proceeded inside. There were cakes displayed behind glass, sort of like at the deli counter.  I felt amazed and excited that such a small place would be offering cakes.  As I studied them, and I was studying them quit closely I realized that they were not homemade, they were frozen out of a box.  I felt disappointed in this.  I walked back and forth up and down in front of the glass leaning in to really get a closer look.  As I was doing this I noticed the people behind the counter talking to each other.  I could not hear what they were saying, but I saw them looking at me out of the corner of their eyes.  they were trying not to make it known they were watching me.  I decided to leave as I felt sort of betrayed by the store.  Thinking to myself that I just don't understand why they would want to deceive people like that.  I went over to my car and lifted the hatchback and it was full of loose mayonnaise, could've been pudding, by it was all on the bottom floor like a couple inches thick.  I wasn't surprised by this.  I grabbed a huge spatula and proceeded to smooth it out.  Closed the hatch and got into the driver's seat.  Some guy got into the back seat, on the driver's side.  I was surprised by this, frightened, and I quickly reached into the back seat and grabbed a huge sword.  Very shiny, very long and heavy.  There's no way that the guy didn't see it, but I tried to hide it up in the side of the dash.  I was squeezing it into a crevice, as I did it started to bend, pulling it back I looked at it.  It had wrinkles and folds in it.  I felt very disappointed and let down at the fact that my only defense was useless.  Then I woke up.

Releasing the Negative

I am currently in the process of a lot of changes.  Most major change is the fact that I am single now.  To make a long story very short - I hung in there longer than anyone should have.  He was given way more chances than anyone ever deserved.  I am done with it.  2013 is the year I am focusing on me and my family.  Putting myself first for a change.  I'll spare anyone who happens to read this the awful details, and I frankly don't want to waste one more ounce of my energy thinking about it anyway.  I'm struggling financially because paying off bills and keeping up on car repairs was not on his list of things to put money towards.  I guess that's how it goes with addicts.  Anyways I thought I would throw that out there, if for nothing more than a side note.  I'm sure that the torturous last 3 years had a lot to do with some of my crazy dreams. On an up note -  I've been dreaming more lately and they've been quit interesting.  Haven't had much free time to put them down.  Mad at myself that I didn't do it right away, as I know I've lost details by waiting.