Wake me up!!

Have to jot this down, although i have lost most details because this one is from a couple of weeks ago.  Remember dreaming that I was laying down, being attacked by someone, or something, and yelling at them to wake me up.  i kept saying it - wake me up, wake me up, wake me up.    Very strange, I have never had a dream where I was sort of aware that I was dreaming.

just who I am

     A lot has been going in in my mind lately.  Lots of tortured emotions wrestling around in my psyche.  Feelings of guilt and anger and disappointment towards people i genuinly care a great deal for. Sometimes I toss around the idea of becoming a hermit.  A stretch farther then my usual introvertism.  I just feel totally run down trying to keep everyone happy, trying to do as much as I can to keep peace and still keep a smile on my face.  I find it hard to not have an intense feeling of empathy towards everybody, even people I do not particularly care for.  It seems to come so easy to some people to become completely act like they are  void of empathy and compassion for people.  I'm not going to change who I am.  I won't change who I am.  I'm not going to change who I am.  I am nice to people, i help people, i talk in a friendly tone and listen when people talk.  Even if i dont really care a great deal about what they are saying.  This tends to become exhausting, and this is one reason why I avoid a huge amount of social obligations, especially ones involving large amounts of people, doesn't even matter if it is family or not.  Sensory overload as I tend to call it lately.  I think it sums it up fairly well.  Too much talking, too much noise, too many things going on all at once, makes me want to disappear somewhere nice and quiet so I can hear myself think.  I'm an over thinker. I'm an over anaylizer, but this is me, just me.

jellyfish, lost details

Kicking myself for not jottimg down my dreams as soon as I wake up.  I've lost major details that are almost always so clear upon waking.  I hate that I do that.  Over the past few weeks I've been waking up in the middle if the night because of my dreams.  Not horrifying but odd.  One of my ex where I was trying to convince people about his drug use and lies.  I remember feeling quit upset that he was going around acting like he was golden.  Enough on that.  Last night was a water dream again.  Ocean shore with a ton of those tiny jellyfish.  I was raking at them, trying to capture one to get a closer look.  I felt so intrigued that they were see through.  Another dream that I just about completely lost all recollection of, damn.  Going to try and be me committed to this than I have been lately.

Introspective

I've been very introspective lately.  I say lately, like I'm not this way most of the time, which is not true.  I am always introspective, always empathetic, sometimes too empathetic to other people's feelings. When I hear someone's views about someone else or a situation and I can't stop myself from thinking that so much wasted emotion has been put into the negative.  It just doesn't make sense to me.  I just don't understand it.  I don't have to understand it, but I don't have to accept it either.  People can have their views and their feelings and it's just that "theirs"  they own it.  I've come to realize that when my views on a situation differ from someone else's views I tend to feel disconnected from them.  I tend to feel a little less open with them. That's the way I feel.  I can own that, but I'm feeling that a lot lately and I don't like it.  It makes me feel uncomfortable and uneasy.  I don't like that either!  I know you can't please everybody all of the time, but my urge to do so consumes me.  It's is absolutely draining.  I would rather be uncomfortable than make someone else uncomfortable.  I would rather bite my tongue then hurt someone with words that can never be unspoken.

Nagging fear

I'm having the experience of things going so good that you can't help but think that something is going to come apart.  Why is this? I'm not saying that I lack faith in my current situation, because I don't, I just keep getting these fleeting thoughts that things just can't continue to go this smoothly.  I am extremely happy with my relationship, never been happier, and I say this with my whole heart.  In a few weeks we will have been together six month.  Not one red flag yet, and hopefully I never see one.  I am struggling with myself not to "think" too much about things, like weather or not that look on his face was disappointment or regret with me.  Can't stop feeling uneasy when he does things for me.  I am just so used to having things thrown in my face whenever someone does something nice for me.  I honestly feel that he would not do that to me, but still these thoughts get in my head from time to time.

dream from an old journal of mine. dated 2003

There was snow on the ground and brandy and Emily had ran outside.  It was unusually warm outside.  Brandy jumped up and swing out into the yard over the porch rail.  Emily ran out into then yard.  I followed them yelling born them to get back into the house.  They looked at me like I was crazy.  Then I looked across the parking lot and saw all these people and kids.  They were playing like it was a summer day.  Then our dog Jupiter ran out into the yard.  He wouldn't come back.  He just kept looking at me.  I was so upset.  I had to go out after him in my robe.  I was so upset.

dream from an old journal of mine. dated 2003

I was going on a trip with my mother, there were other people with us.  I felt like they were friends possibly family members, but weren't sure.  Next thing I know I am in an arcade.  I was lounging back in a lazy boy chair just watching people.  This guy came over to me, he was sort of foreign looking.  He sad down next to me.  I felt like incident want him near me.  He kept hitting in me, I didn't like it but I was afraid to make a scene, so I tried to be nice to him.  I told him to just stop and try to act normal.  Next thing I know my mother is telling me that its time to go.  I was trying to leave and that guy wouldn't let go of me.  Then he just stood up and started singing.  I could not understand the words, even though it was English.  As he sang the whole arcade stopped and starred at him.  He finally stopped singing, and I thought he had a nice voice.  I told him he sang nice and that he should say by to me.

Then I found myself at a big huge lake.  The water was so clear and deep.  I could see so far and all The way to the bottom.  There were trees and people walking and little crabs running around on the bottom.  The group of people I was with had quickly ran into the water and were all most to the other side.  I was still standing in the edge deciding weather to go in.  I couldn't leave my glasses on the shore so I just left.  I ran , I ran so fast all the way back to my mothers house.  It was a trailer that we used to live in.  My mother was living there with my aunt Rosalie.  They were both in the bathroom getting ready to go to that lake.  I yelled t my mother "are you here, are you here".  She answered me by flicking the bathroom light on and off.  Then she came out and was telling me that she was coming but she had to clean up because people were coming to look at the house.  Then Marlene was with me, standing next to me just watching and listening.  My mother starts telling me that while in was gone marlenes father came in her house and knocked stuff over.  I couldn't understand why he would do that.  He knocked over a red stack of encyclopedias and busted and cracked up her CD's. I asked Marlene if she sees what her father has done and she said yes.  Then in the middle of this conversation I looked to my left and in saw a fish tank that my mother had.  It was full of these huge fish and huge frogs.  They were swimming back and forth and all around.  I was amazed at how they moved and couldn't understand why they were so big and crowded in there.