The Blissfully Ignorant

Did you ever notice that Annoying, self righteous, critical, egotistical people tend to walk around blissfully ignorant to the fact that they are like this?    

More peaceful today

Considering that earlier in the week I was on the verge of tears.  Feeling a heavy weight of sadness.  I have to say that I feel a little lighter today.  I could dwell on why my mood is up, especially because nothing at all has changed in my life.  The annoying people still plague me, and the same issues are there.  So lets not go there, lets not try and figure out why all that crap isn't getting to me.  It's friday!

Lost and blue

Yeah that......

Related to the "Nagging Fear" post

              So funny how you just get the feeling that something isn't right.  Yeah i said there were no red flags, but obviously there was.  How about the inability to tolerate anything less than what he considers to be perfect.  Outright rude to neighbors, strangers, and others.  I believe it was all just an escape route for him.  A way to get out of the situation he was in.  No one goes from the complete total opposite ends of the spectrum like that without hidden motives already in play.  unlike anything I've seen before. Yeah i'm hurt.  it's been a couple months now, being single again that is.  I like being single, actually I love it.  I'm very comfortable with myself, more comfortable then I have been for a while, but having him still so close makes is just a constant reminder that just across the hall from me is the man that was so different (in the beginning)  the man that said and acted like I meant the world to him.  Yeah just across the hall, moved out, but not far.   The strange thing is that we are still friends.  he says he still cares about me.  he's helping me pay off a repair bill for my car.  Why?   I don't get it.  He can be so flipping nice and yet so strange.   Every time I look at him I just want to say a bunch of stuff to him. Let him know just how bad he hurt me.  I don't though, I don't say anything.  Before he moved out I did tell him that if he keeps treating people like they are indispensable that's all he will ever have is his career.  don't think he saw that coming, cause he questioned me about "calling him out" yet this is after he blew his opinions all over me about my life, the mistakes that my daughters have made, and my past relationships.  I recently had a friend of mine ask me why I keep picking losers.  Wow that struck a nerve, cause this one was seemed totally different.  no drugs or alcohol issues, 20 years at his job, ex marine, no criminal records.  I don't know what to say except I know I'm better off because what he showed me was not unconditional love at all.  I told him that too, I told him I deserve unconditional love, and this sure wasn't it.
           

just who I am

     A lot has been going in in my mind lately.  Lots of tortured emotions wrestling around in my psyche.  Feelings of guilt and anger and disappointment towards people i genuinly care a great deal for. Sometimes I toss around the idea of becoming a hermit.  A stretch farther then my usual introvertism.  I just feel totally run down trying to keep everyone happy, trying to do as much as I can to keep peace and still keep a smile on my face.  I find it hard to not have an intense feeling of empathy towards everybody, even people I do not particularly care for.  It seems to come so easy to some people to become completely act like they are  void of empathy and compassion for people.  I'm not going to change who I am.  I won't change who I am.  I'm not going to change who I am.  I am nice to people, i help people, i talk in a friendly tone and listen when people talk.  Even if i dont really care a great deal about what they are saying.  This tends to become exhausting, and this is one reason why I avoid a huge amount of social obligations, especially ones involving large amounts of people, doesn't even matter if it is family or not.  Sensory overload as I tend to call it lately.  I think it sums it up fairly well.  Too much talking, too much noise, too many things going on all at once, makes me want to disappear somewhere nice and quiet so I can hear myself think.  I'm an over thinker. I'm an over anaylizer, but this is me, just me.

Introspective

I've been very introspective lately.  I say lately, like I'm not this way most of the time, which is not true.  I am always introspective, always empathetic, sometimes too empathetic to other people's feelings. When I hear someone's views about someone else or a situation and I can't stop myself from thinking that so much wasted emotion has been put into the negative.  It just doesn't make sense to me.  I just don't understand it.  I don't have to understand it, but I don't have to accept it either.  People can have their views and their feelings and it's just that "theirs"  they own it.  I've come to realize that when my views on a situation differ from someone else's views I tend to feel disconnected from them.  I tend to feel a little less open with them. That's the way I feel.  I can own that, but I'm feeling that a lot lately and I don't like it.  It makes me feel uncomfortable and uneasy.  I don't like that either!  I know you can't please everybody all of the time, but my urge to do so consumes me.  It's is absolutely draining.  I would rather be uncomfortable than make someone else uncomfortable.  I would rather bite my tongue then hurt someone with words that can never be unspoken.

Nagging fear

I'm having the experience of things going so good that you can't help but think that something is going to come apart.  Why is this? I'm not saying that I lack faith in my current situation, because I don't, I just keep getting these fleeting thoughts that things just can't continue to go this smoothly.  I am extremely happy with my relationship, never been happier, and I say this with my whole heart.  In a few weeks we will have been together six month.  Not one red flag yet, and hopefully I never see one.  I am struggling with myself not to "think" too much about things, like weather or not that look on his face was disappointment or regret with me.  Can't stop feeling uneasy when he does things for me.  I am just so used to having things thrown in my face whenever someone does something nice for me.  I honestly feel that he would not do that to me, but still these thoughts get in my head from time to time.

wanting to write

The other day my boyfriend mentioned that he wants to write a book.  That he's been thinking about it for years.  He told me the basic line of it.  I was so interested.  More so that he had a desire to write.  That is what interested me the most.  I know he's different.  He's thoughtful and considerate and has empathy. These things are part of what makes a good writer.  I have thought for years about writing some kind of book.  I've tossed around ideas for years.  A memoir, science fiction or possibly erotica.  I am going to put more serious thought into this.

lunch with aunts

The lunch went wonderful.  mother wasn't feeling well so I went by myself.  I felt that she wouldn't wind up going, and told myself that regardless I would go.  I am so glad I did.  We talked for over two hours over lunch and it was wonderful.  I hadn't seen either one of them for about 20 years.  As I walked away from them to get in my car I was trying real hard to hold back tears.  So many emotions were stirred and I didn't want to leave.

So many changes

Have released so much negativity from my life and I can finally breath again.  I am actually starting to feel like myself again.  I had lost myself many years ago and I have been riding a horrible roller coaster of insanity for many years.  Dealing with a close family member that is a lot of the time very hard to deal with, and having my kindness mistaken for weakness by men that didn't even deserve one ounce of my time or precious energy.  I am free, thank God!  I have a wonderful man in my life and couldn't be happier with him.  I wasn't dreaming a whole lot for the longest time and when I did they were scant or not even worth writing about and to be honest sometimes I just didn't care about anything so what did it matter.  Last year one of my cousins took her life and today I learned that her father, my uncle has past away.  These deaths leave me feeling empty inside and longing for the way things used to be when I was younger.  I guess I am feeling sorry for myself but it is a shame when events tear a family apart and those people that are supposed to be family start taking sides and drift away from one another.  It is sad.  Plain and simple it is sad, and it makes me sad.  with the learning of each of these deaths it floods my mind with thoughts of my grandmother which I lost 21 years ago.  I long to feel a close family connection like I felt when I was younger.  I know that now my roll is grandmother, or as I am called Mimi.  I love being a grandmother, but do not feel that tight bond as a family unit that my grandmother had between all of us - my aunts, uncles, and cousins.  Life happens and everyone deals with it, but I feel some regret that I have not pulled everyone together like possibly I should have.  One would think that my mother would be the one to be the center of this unit now at least on our end of the world, but unfortunately that is not the way it is.   However two of my aunts that I was quit close to as a child are reaching out to me and my mother and to say the least - lunch this Saturday should be fairly interesting.

Releasing the Negative

I am currently in the process of a lot of changes.  Most major change is the fact that I am single now.  To make a long story very short - I hung in there longer than anyone should have.  He was given way more chances than anyone ever deserved.  I am done with it.  2013 is the year I am focusing on me and my family.  Putting myself first for a change.  I'll spare anyone who happens to read this the awful details, and I frankly don't want to waste one more ounce of my energy thinking about it anyway.  I'm struggling financially because paying off bills and keeping up on car repairs was not on his list of things to put money towards.  I guess that's how it goes with addicts.  Anyways I thought I would throw that out there, if for nothing more than a side note.  I'm sure that the torturous last 3 years had a lot to do with some of my crazy dreams. On an up note -  I've been dreaming more lately and they've been quit interesting.  Haven't had much free time to put them down.  Mad at myself that I didn't do it right away, as I know I've lost details by waiting. 

Being Honest with myself

I just read over some posts that I've made, some of them I have posted as they happened and some were pulled from another blog I had.  To be totally and utterly honest with myself and whoever reads this blog - I do see a relation between some dreams and what has happened or is happening in my life, and to say that out loud and to put it to paper gives me a chill.  It some how makes it real.  Not that the events were not real, but on paper makes it permanent, undeniable, it means they exist, they can't be buried, washed away or forgotten about, however much I would like to forget things that have caused me pain, I can't, nor is it healthy to.  My family and friends do not know of this blog, and there would be only a select few that I would trust to introduce it to them.  I've always been a very private person, so one might ask why make a blog and put stuff out there for other people to read.  My answer to them, and most importantly to myself, is I feel this to be healthy for me to get these things out of my head. I honestly encourage and look forward to comments left by anyone who can relate.  As i read a comment left on one of my posts it made me feel a sense of relief realizing that hiding and trying to avoid the obvious isn't helping me at all.  As this year comes to and end in a couple of weeks, my resolution with myself is to be utterly honest with myself about the past, and the future.
peace......

Evaluation of my life

After recent evaluation of my life I am left feeling rather empty inside.  In the back of my mind I hear the phrases " Focus on the good"  "Stay positive"  " This too shall pass"  " It could be worse"  Yeah, I guess all those statements are true, but I'm just not satisfied. I am lost, I am cold, I am lonely, I feel like I've lost something very important, but just can't remember what it is. I'm 40 now and I'm not where I would like to be physically and most importantly - emotionally.  I guess I am to blame as usual, for letting "things" continue against my better judgement, against all rational thought, against what my gut tells me.  It might just be that first statement " focus on the good" that has gotten me into my current state of dissatisfaction. Although this state of thought has helped me through a many difficult times, I sometimes only allow myself to focus on the good parts of any situation that I wind up putting myself last. It sets me up for failure.  It ignores what should sometimes never ever be ignored. 

To blog or not to blog

To blog or not to blog.  Why not I said to myself.  I've got a lot of stuff in my head and need a place to dump it.  What better place than a blog?  I read some peoples blogs and found them very captivating.  I'm not hoping that mine will captivate the interest of anyone, but if it does, that's fine too.