Nagging fear

I'm having the experience of things going so good that you can't help but think that something is going to come apart.  Why is this? I'm not saying that I lack faith in my current situation, because I don't, I just keep getting these fleeting thoughts that things just can't continue to go this smoothly.  I am extremely happy with my relationship, never been happier, and I say this with my whole heart.  In a few weeks we will have been together six month.  Not one red flag yet, and hopefully I never see one.  I am struggling with myself not to "think" too much about things, like weather or not that look on his face was disappointment or regret with me.  Can't stop feeling uneasy when he does things for me.  I am just so used to having things thrown in my face whenever someone does something nice for me.  I honestly feel that he would not do that to me, but still these thoughts get in my head from time to time.

dream from an old journal of mine. dated 2003

There was snow on the ground and brandy and Emily had ran outside.  It was unusually warm outside.  Brandy jumped up and swing out into the yard over the porch rail.  Emily ran out into then yard.  I followed them yelling born them to get back into the house.  They looked at me like I was crazy.  Then I looked across the parking lot and saw all these people and kids.  They were playing like it was a summer day.  Then our dog Jupiter ran out into the yard.  He wouldn't come back.  He just kept looking at me.  I was so upset.  I had to go out after him in my robe.  I was so upset.

dream from an old journal of mine. dated 2003

I was going on a trip with my mother, there were other people with us.  I felt like they were friends possibly family members, but weren't sure.  Next thing I know I am in an arcade.  I was lounging back in a lazy boy chair just watching people.  This guy came over to me, he was sort of foreign looking.  He sad down next to me.  I felt like incident want him near me.  He kept hitting in me, I didn't like it but I was afraid to make a scene, so I tried to be nice to him.  I told him to just stop and try to act normal.  Next thing I know my mother is telling me that its time to go.  I was trying to leave and that guy wouldn't let go of me.  Then he just stood up and started singing.  I could not understand the words, even though it was English.  As he sang the whole arcade stopped and starred at him.  He finally stopped singing, and I thought he had a nice voice.  I told him he sang nice and that he should say by to me.

Then I found myself at a big huge lake.  The water was so clear and deep.  I could see so far and all The way to the bottom.  There were trees and people walking and little crabs running around on the bottom.  The group of people I was with had quickly ran into the water and were all most to the other side.  I was still standing in the edge deciding weather to go in.  I couldn't leave my glasses on the shore so I just left.  I ran , I ran so fast all the way back to my mothers house.  It was a trailer that we used to live in.  My mother was living there with my aunt Rosalie.  They were both in the bathroom getting ready to go to that lake.  I yelled t my mother "are you here, are you here".  She answered me by flicking the bathroom light on and off.  Then she came out and was telling me that she was coming but she had to clean up because people were coming to look at the house.  Then Marlene was with me, standing next to me just watching and listening.  My mother starts telling me that while in was gone marlenes father came in her house and knocked stuff over.  I couldn't understand why he would do that.  He knocked over a red stack of encyclopedias and busted and cracked up her CD's. I asked Marlene if she sees what her father has done and she said yes.  Then in the middle of this conversation I looked to my left and in saw a fish tank that my mother had.  It was full of these huge fish and huge frogs.  They were swimming back and forth and all around.  I was amazed at how they moved and couldn't understand why they were so big and crowded in there.

dream from old an old journal of mine. dated 2003

Was cleaning a house with some people from work.  I couldn't make out their faces though.  We were done cleaning but in remembered there was a bathroom in the basement that I forgot to have cleaned.  We were all outside and had to go back into do this bathroom.  We were running out of time and I wasn't liking it at all.  We had to go through a dark murky pool to get to the door and I was left behind.  I didn't want to go into that water.  I had no choice so I went into the water and as I was swimming across I could see gross slimey snake like creatures underneath me.  I swam through as fast as I could and everyone was looking at me like they were pissed off at me for taking too long.

wanting to write

The other day my boyfriend mentioned that he wants to write a book.  That he's been thinking about it for years.  He told me the basic line of it.  I was so interested.  More so that he had a desire to write.  That is what interested me the most.  I know he's different.  He's thoughtful and considerate and has empathy. These things are part of what makes a good writer.  I have thought for years about writing some kind of book.  I've tossed around ideas for years.  A memoir, science fiction or possibly erotica.  I am going to put more serious thought into this.

pool and house

just a few fragments:
 Standing beside the pool pouring shock in and stirring around with the pool brush.  water was brown and cloudy.  There were people in the yard.  i felt like they were waiting on me to finish.

another house dream, furniture, old dark house.  i was searching around looking for something.