So many changes

Have released so much negativity from my life and I can finally breath again.  I am actually starting to feel like myself again.  I had lost myself many years ago and I have been riding a horrible roller coaster of insanity for many years.  Dealing with a close family member that is a lot of the time very hard to deal with, and having my kindness mistaken for weakness by men that didn't even deserve one ounce of my time or precious energy.  I am free, thank God!  I have a wonderful man in my life and couldn't be happier with him.  I wasn't dreaming a whole lot for the longest time and when I did they were scant or not even worth writing about and to be honest sometimes I just didn't care about anything so what did it matter.  Last year one of my cousins took her life and today I learned that her father, my uncle has past away.  These deaths leave me feeling empty inside and longing for the way things used to be when I was younger.  I guess I am feeling sorry for myself but it is a shame when events tear a family apart and those people that are supposed to be family start taking sides and drift away from one another.  It is sad.  Plain and simple it is sad, and it makes me sad.  with the learning of each of these deaths it floods my mind with thoughts of my grandmother which I lost 21 years ago.  I long to feel a close family connection like I felt when I was younger.  I know that now my roll is grandmother, or as I am called Mimi.  I love being a grandmother, but do not feel that tight bond as a family unit that my grandmother had between all of us - my aunts, uncles, and cousins.  Life happens and everyone deals with it, but I feel some regret that I have not pulled everyone together like possibly I should have.  One would think that my mother would be the one to be the center of this unit now at least on our end of the world, but unfortunately that is not the way it is.   However two of my aunts that I was quit close to as a child are reaching out to me and my mother and to say the least - lunch this Saturday should be fairly interesting.

dream of a swimming pool fight

I arrived at a large indoor pool.  I was with someone, seemed like my significant other, however I didn’t see his face or have much interaction with him at all.  In fact he went to a far end of the pool and was lounging near some man made rocks, kind of just staring at people.  I went about half way down the side of the pool because there was a 3 foot ledge around the pool all around.  I lay down on my side and noticed that the pool was starting to get more crowded.  I was straining to see the bottom of the pool because it looked like there were small children or some type of animals at the bottom of the pool.  The water was partially clear, maybe a little cloudy.  I leaned my head over the side of the pool sticking my head under the water trying to get a better look at what or who was on the bottom.  They looked like small children, or monkeys or something.  They had brown hair all over their bodies and they were acting like they were stuck on the bottom somehow.  I raised my head out of the water as I was running out of air and looked around to see if anyone else had noticed them.  No one seemed to notice or care.  Even though I felt as if I had a responsibility to help them I felt like I shouldn't or maybe I was hallucinating or something.  I grabbed my cigarette pack and lit a cigarette and to my left there was a woman with glasses in the water about a foot from me, which seemed extremely close considering how big the pool was.  The next thing I know she takes my pack out of my hands and says “yeah I need a cigarette right now too, you don’t mind do you”  I grabbed my pack out of her hand and when I did my lit cigarette got wet and I immediately was very angry.  Angry at this stranger invading my space, and then helping herself to my cigarettes and on top of that the one I was smoking got ruined.  I took off my glasses and laid them on the side of the pool and jumped in the water and grabbed her glasses and tossed them on the side of the pool.  Kind of strange both of us at a pool with glasses on, and even stranger that I would care to remove hers, as if I cared if they got broken.  After removing her glasses and tossing them on the side of the pool I turn around and she has another pair on underneath of them, I grab them and toss them on the side and yet another pair was underneath of them.  I quickly decided what the hell and punched her in the face as I was yelling at her telling her how ignorant she was, and asking her who the hell she thinks she is.  I must have punched her in the jaw about four times before I woke up.