Being Honest with myself

I just read over some posts that I've made, some of them I have posted as they happened and some were pulled from another blog I had.  To be totally and utterly honest with myself and whoever reads this blog - I do see a relation between some dreams and what has happened or is happening in my life, and to say that out loud and to put it to paper gives me a chill.  It some how makes it real.  Not that the events were not real, but on paper makes it permanent, undeniable, it means they exist, they can't be buried, washed away or forgotten about, however much I would like to forget things that have caused me pain, I can't, nor is it healthy to.  My family and friends do not know of this blog, and there would be only a select few that I would trust to introduce it to them.  I've always been a very private person, so one might ask why make a blog and put stuff out there for other people to read.  My answer to them, and most importantly to myself, is I feel this to be healthy for me to get these things out of my head. I honestly encourage and look forward to comments left by anyone who can relate.  As i read a comment left on one of my posts it made me feel a sense of relief realizing that hiding and trying to avoid the obvious isn't helping me at all.  As this year comes to and end in a couple of weeks, my resolution with myself is to be utterly honest with myself about the past, and the future.
peace......

Pizza dream

This one is short, but has stuck in my mind for most of the day so here goes....
I was in a pizza place, some sort of restaurant,  I was alone, and feeling rather pressed that I get back to wherever it was I needed to go with the pizza.  The counter was long, and wide and dusty with flour, as if they made the pizza right in front of you on the counter, but they didn't.  I asked for a large pizza with peperoni, the person just starred at me blankly, then turned to start making it.  I watched quietly.  there was no one else in the place except me, although I could hear noises outside, busy noises, lots of people, traffic and so on.  I watched him make the pizza dough as he swirled it up and around, but when he placed it down on the table in front of himself he proceeded to make it into a rectangular shape. strange I thought for a second, and then was figuring what's the difference, so I said nothing about it.  Then he turned around and handed it to me.  It was raw, he never put it into the oven, and strange enough the raw pizza, as we all know - you would not be able to pick up, unless it was on a pizza stone, or a tray of some sort, but there was none, and still it was rigid and did not fall apart like one would think.  I thought this a little strange, but did not say anything and carried the pizza over to a counter where there were lots of boxes, mostly the usual square boxes that we all are familiar with, but there was one box all by it's self that was rectangular in shape, so I placed my raw pizza in the box and headed out the door.  I did not pay, and wasn't asked to, so I left.  When I got outside there where tons of people everywhere, walking about, and also a line was formed in front of the store, rope off in zig zag order like they have at carnivals and amusement parks.  I started walking down the street carrying my pizza, as I passed people they stared at me strangely so I kept saying "I don't know what's going on, it's shaped funny." 

House dream......again

I've had a good many dreams about a house, sometimes it's decorated differently, but the basic layout is the same.  There are many rooms, lots of bedrooms, lots of open space, yet cozy.  These dreams don't really have a story line, except that I'm mentally figuring out how and where everyone will sleep, and if everybody will be comfortable or not.  This dream was no different.  Previous house dreams often have that small secret crawl space that leads to my lost precious furniture of a sentimental value of some sort.  that was not in tis dream however I do recall being told that the rent was going to be very reasonable for such a grand amount of space.  I felt rather pleased until I realized that a lot of work needed to be done.  Felt rather let down.

Recent lack of dreaming

My lovely dream world has taken a dive recently.  Having much trouble falling asleep and staying asleep lately.  I'm sure it is stress and the fact that my body is giving me a hard time as well.  I'm supposed to make myself an appointment with a rhumatologist as my primary doctor thinks I have osteoarthritis.  All of this makes for a restful nights sleep, not letting me get into the deep dream state I love so well.  I vaguely can remember just bits and pieces of dreams here and there, and it's disturbing to me.  Hope to be back in dreamland soon.

Elements

I'm wondering what connection people may have to the elements, and the association to their dreams  It seems that most of my dreams involve water of some shape or form.  I'm very interested in why this may be.  Hoping to find some extra time to read more about recurring dreams and their meaning. 

Thoughts on dreams I never talk or write about

            I would think it's safe to assume that most everyone has dreams that they just do not talk about with anyone.  Better yet, they might not even be brave enough to put them to paper.  Possibly out of fear that no one would be able to accept them, or maybe you would be looked at differently or the fear that putting them down on paper would some how bring them to some sense of reality or realization or some sort.  I am mostly speaking of sexual dreams, however I have had some extremely horrific nightmares that just belong buried in the cobwebs of my twisted psyche.   I  understanding that dreams are just that - twisted emotions; thoughts; problems; scenarios; your sub conscious mind trying to work stuff out, maybe... or are they just a bunch of nonsense.  dreams have always been an issue in my life every since I can remember.  My mother can recall me as a small child having night terrors.  I can still remember some of them to this day and not a lot of them make sense, which is another reason why I like the idea of putting them down on paper.  If nothing else it makes for interesting reading.  There is so much stuff going on in my life right now and has been for a long time, and as I sit and write in this blog I feel a sense of waste.  Maybe it's a little guilt for spending time writing about stuff that doesn't have a bit to do with the problems in my life, or how I am going to work out my current situations.  I think that may be just why I keep this blog going - it takes me away from the issues that drag me down and lets my mind venture somewhere else, if for nothing more than a few minutes, it is still a refreshing release, a cleansing, a renew.  Twisted Psyche - sounds like a good title for this blog all together.

Another water dream with big fish tank

I've had many dreams about water, including ones with huge fish tanks that have rather huge fish in them.  This dream starts out in a house that I feel is my home, although the furniture and surroundings feel a little out of touch.  I am first sitting at a table with too older women and we were having some conversation about some antiques  that they had on a corner table.  A little odd because like I said - I felt as though this was my home, but they proceed to give me an antique of theirs, some sort of statue like figure and I recall feeling extremely blessed and fortunate to have it.  I remember turning it over and seeing markings and codes and I made  a statement about how generous it was of them.  I carried it over and placed the figure on a table next to an old fish tank decoration that makes a lot of bubbles.  Then there were two young children watching me.  I did not know these children.  It seems like one was a boy and the other a girl,  and they were really amazed about that bubble maker.  They wanted me to turn it on.  I told them I wasn't sure if it still worked but I tried.  All this is taking place next to a huge fish tank.  From the floor up to my waste and about 6 feet long.  I told them I would have to put it in the tank to see if it would work and put it together and put it in the tank in the front right corner trying very hard not to disturb my enormously fat, grey blob like creature of a fish that took up practically the whole tank. it seemed rather ill and sluggish.  Even if it wanted to move around there wouldn't have been any room for it to move much anyway.  The creatures eyes were puffy and the left eye looked infected and was draining some sort of fluid.  It seemed like it tried to look at me as I was reaching into the tank to place the bubble machine.  It made me feel bad and cruel for bothering it and sort of like  I had been neglecting it.  well.... I turned on the bubble maker and it worked just fine.  then one of the older women came and sat beside me and started pushing on the side of the tank, kind of swaying it back and forth.  I grabbed her hand and told her to stop and asked her didn't she see what she was doing?  I pointed out to her how the seams of the tank had already been repaired with clear silicone and that it might break or start leaking if she didn't stop.  That is all  can remember........