Evaluation of my life

After recent evaluation of my life I am left feeling rather empty inside.  In the back of my mind I hear the phrases " Focus on the good"  "Stay positive"  " This too shall pass"  " It could be worse"  Yeah, I guess all those statements are true, but I'm just not satisfied. I am lost, I am cold, I am lonely, I feel like I've lost something very important, but just can't remember what it is. I'm 40 now and I'm not where I would like to be physically and most importantly - emotionally.  I guess I am to blame as usual, for letting "things" continue against my better judgement, against all rational thought, against what my gut tells me.  It might just be that first statement " focus on the good" that has gotten me into my current state of dissatisfaction. Although this state of thought has helped me through a many difficult times, I sometimes only allow myself to focus on the good parts of any situation that I wind up putting myself last. It sets me up for failure.  It ignores what should sometimes never ever be ignored. 

Buzz Kill Boss

I am disgusted by your selfishness
I am stuck in this situation
I am trapped by my paycheck
I am angry that you don't care
I am used by you
I am worthless in your eyes
I am sick of your stupidity
I am tired of your laziness
I am sad that you put us last
I can't stand how you procrastinate
I hate that you lie
your organizational skills suck
your incapable of empathy
your not better than us
you will fail without us
you can't do it alone

Lonely Poem

i am lonely
i am cold
i am inconsolable

why do i have such lust
why do i crave so

please take me
consume me
devour me
slowly

Water dream/ Driving "Keeping up and Catching my breath"

This started out as a driving dream, with a gas station type convenience store in the beginning I was driving to the store, Sam was beside me in the passenger seat, not saying much at all, and it was night time.  We get to the store and we both go in, but as I'm inside I recall looking at sweets, ice cream, cakes, candies and then the store proceeds to become very crowded to the point that I feel the need to get the hell out of there.  I stand on my tiptoes, and looking over the isles to find Sam.  Something I normally do when in a store with him, because he's so tall.  I see him and our eyes met, but he looked very unsettled and was motioning with his eyes to get out of there.  I saw him leave and I followed.  Next thing I remember we are on a road, now he's in a car in front of me and I'm behind him in what seemed to be some sort of wheelchair. The time of day was either early morning or late evening as the sun wasn't out, but the sky was growing darker.  He kept sticking his head out of his window and looking back at me as if he was making sure I was still behind him.  I was struggling to keep up with him because I kept dropping things, and would have to stop and pick them up.  I had a sort of medal stick type thing and I remember trying to keep it on my lap as I went around turns.  The road started to become wet, although it was not raining.  It was as if the water was starting to flood in from somewhere.  The water was a muddy coffee color. The road we were on seemed to be going steady uphill.  I grew confused and a sense of dread was coming over me.  I saw him take a left turn and slide as the water was reaching mid way up on his tires, as soon as he slid he looked back at me and I made motions with my hands for him to slow down, but we seemed to be going extremely slow as it was.  Then I saw his car top a hill and he was gone, it looked like he went over and dropped off. Just then the water had risen so much that my chair and I were floating along and picking up speed.  Then I went over, as I topped the drop off  I could see him falling down a huge drop off, his car was no where in sight.  As I started to fall my chair disappeared also.  I fell fast and the water became clearer as we both reached what seemed to be the bottom.  It looked like we had fallen into a huge clear tube, and we were settling at the bottom, there was no surface to the water and we were both chest to chest, he was lifeless, eyes closed, mouth open.  I grabbed him as I was running out of breath.  The desire to take a huge deep breath was overwhelming, and I knew that it would be the death of me if I did it, but I couldn't help it. At that same second of contemplation something from below me was reaching up and grabbing at my waste.  My vision blury, but it looked like a bony childlike hand was reaching for me, I started to scream his name, and then lost control and took a huge  breath in, I could feel my lungs fill in slow motion, but there was no relief.
Then He woke me up, he said I was screaming in my sleep.

Water Dream "Covers and Jumping" from 07/01/2010

Not a very long dream, but signifigant none the less. These recurring water dreams leave me puzzled every morning. dreamed I was in a large swimming pool, sort of olympic sized. there were a few people around not many, but none of them in the pool. Water was clear, but in the bottom of the pool layed a large plastic cover or piece of plastic or a large tarp looked like it had sank to the bottom of the pool and was laying there covering the entire bottom of the pool except for on the long sides - I could see that the piece of plastic or tarp was trying to hide dirt. the end was lifting up and i could see dirt under it. I then remember jumping up off the bottom of the pool, like sort of springing up off the bottom and jumping up out of the pool and soaring through the air, what must have been like 20 feet in the air and landing in a pond, a large pond. The water was so clear, way to clear for any pond that i've ever seen. On top of the water was the same sort of plastic tarp thing, but instead of being on the bottom, it was laying on the top of the water. I felt freaked out, knowing that when I landed in the water that i would sink, and the plastic tarp would engulf me and i might be smothered to death or trapped under the water and not be able to get up to the surface. i remember sinking in and the tarp colapsing around me, feeling like i was going to drown to dealth. I couldn't reach the bottom and i grabbed at the plastic trying to move it around and swim to the top, but then i woke up. did not wake up scared or anything just very puzzled.

Bad dream "Baby" from 06/22/2010

Woke my self up last night around 3am crying. No screaming which is usually how I awaken from a bad dream. Was with him and we were driving somewhere, I don't know where we were going and I did not recognize the vehicle either. The feeling was sad, gloomy, but not sure why at the time. I was in horrible pain because I had just given birth, and I said that the cramps are awful and that I needed some medicine for it. I remember explaining to Sam that my uterus is cramping so bad because it is trying to shrink back to it's normal size. I don't recall giving birth or how or why we were in the car. Next thing I know we are at the hospital and I am walking down the hallway, with assistance from Sam, holding my arm, sort of guiding me. I recall him leaning in towards me slightly bent over as if he was trying to hear me whisper something but I wasn't saying anything. Then we come into a room. There was a bed in the middle and a dark haired doctor on the left and two nurses on the right. I said to the doctor that he has to give me something for the pain, and he said "there is something we have to take care of first" Then I was laying in the bed and looking down towards my feet were the doctor on the left and Sam on the right. Both were dressed in scrubs, even the masks and hair covers. Then I saw the baby - it was rather large to be a newborn, and a terrible feeling of dread and sadness came over me. The baby was slightly disfigured on its legs and feet - it's feet were enlarged and the skin looked really thick. The doctor placed the baby down on a table at my feet and held the baby still and it looked like he was sawing the baby's left foot off,blood was pouring and the baby screamed and screamed and cried in agony, it was the worst sound i ever heard. I could feel the pain in him as he was sawing, he was crying but i could feel that he felt he had to do it. I started screaming for them to stop, asking them why they were doing this. then a nurse came up to me and she had the baby in her arms and then placed it in a container of water, completely submerged the baby and as soon as she did the baby stopped crying and looked at me as if it were not in anymore pain. The baby seemed to be able to breath under water, and seemed completely peaceful, the nurse said that she wanted to show me how serious this is and she pointed to the baby's head I saw that the baby was bleeding through it's skin. I could see the blood seeping out of the pores in it's skin, some of the pores looked like holes, holes that had been pushed out from the inside, and the blood mixed the water in the tank. I was so confused with everyone, none of this made any sense, what did the bleeding skin have to do with the baby's foot being cut off. The next I remember I was home and my mother was there, there were other people in the room, but I don't recall who they were. The general feeling was that they were people that I knew, but I only remember talking to my mother, and she looked at me with a sad face. The whole time he was by my side - an honest feeling of comfort was coming from him. I started telling my mother what was wrong with the baby - I didn't mention to her that he was the one that cut it's left foot off I just said that the baby is bleeding everywhere, through it's skin and inside it's body and that it didn't look like the baby was going to make it. I was sobbing as I was telling her about it. The baby was not with us and I don't recall any feeling towards it being male or female.

Posting my weird and crazy dreams

I've decided to post my dreams here as a place to keep record of them. I had them in another blog, but feel I need to only have one place to dump the strange that clouds my brain from time to time.  I have been plagued with nightmares for as far back as I can remember. I hope you find it interesting as you read through and if you also keep a dream blog feel free to post a link in the comments. Currently there are 3 recurring dreams that I have. Water dreams. Both clear and dirty water.  Driving dreams, out of control and under control. almost always involves gas stations.  Lost furniture (dressers, very old, very precious to me) always found in an attic. sometimes it is very very hard to get to (like a small space to climb through) and then there's the other dreams that may be just horror, or might not fit into any category.

Random dream "Creepy figure" 01/05/2011

life is turning and turning and i'm trying hard to keep my head up as i ride the waves. this week i have had another dream of a figure- male in form, but cannot see his face, and doesn't seem like someone i know, but still the same sort of situation- he is trying to get at me, trying to attack, weeks ago my dream was short but frightening as i dreamed that a large figure was entering my bedroom and i was trying to wake my fiance up but he would not wake up, for anything. i was then awaken by him waking me up, he said i was yelling in my sleep. had another one two nights ago, this time, i was in my living room and this figure was trying to get me. this time we were almost in slow motion as i kept missing his grasp going through the house. i knocked him down and he fell into my bedroom i grabbed his arm and cut his wrist, what seemed like it went to the bone. he laid down like he was dead, and my daughter was calling the police while this was happening, then we ran out the back door and here comes a policeman, ONE policeman, dressed in a light brown policeman uniform, he walked up to us so slowly, and i grabbed him and was telling him what was going on. he looked at me and sort of had a queer smile on his face, and his arms felt really thin to me, and he was older. i was thinking what the hell is this guy going to do? then that figure that i cut came out the back door towards us, and he was buttoning his shirt, a clean cream colored shirt, looked brand new and there was no blood on him at all. as he was staggering towards us i woke up. Not surprising that i woke up because that night i was awake on and off all freaking night long.